


Seafaring

by euncheols



Category: BTOB
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 09:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5738449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euncheols/pseuds/euncheols
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hears waves crashing down, he tastes salt hanging out of his lips and he feels his lungs combusting inside him – yet he’s not drowning.</p><p>(Minhyuk is seafaring across the wilderness of the sea that Eunkwang is.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seafaring

**Author's Note:**

> it took me six drafts and a self anxiety reflection to come up with an unbetaed, half-decent minkwang fic so i hope u can enjoy my efforts after a true rollercoaster of emotions i spent with these two. i’m tiny dads #1 trash.

 

 

 

_“I’m a small paper boat, lost during voyage without coordinates”_

 

 

 

I.

_Saltwater_

 

 

A loud sound resonates through the waves. Water is entering at his lungs but they feel like fire, sinking as it burns him. He flaps his arms uselessly around the immensity that the ocean is, such as a fish that forgot how to swim. He opens his eyes and blinks once, twice, but there’s nothing he can see – the sea is dark and treacherous. He feels pressure building in his lungs and bubbles containing the little treasure that is air are beginning to leave through his mouth like a desperate call. His vision goes darker and darker, water rushing over his nostrils and that is a useless fight. He feels his body getting lighter and his head hurting a lot. His body is sinking deeper and deeper into the ocean and everything ends just as it began.

 

 

Minhyuk wakes up, eventually, and his clothes are dripping in sweat rather than saltwater. He can still sense the burning feeling down his throat and his lungs, making him think that breathing never felt so exhausting. Instead of crashing waves, he hears his roommate mumbling something intelligible. A glance directed to the unnecessary bright screen of his phone tells Minhyuk that he’s been asleep far too long. Getting up is difficult and moving around is even worse – _he feels his feet trapped, buried between sand and seaweed, anchoring him deeper and deeper into the water_ – and there are alarms ringing above his head signaling something is wrong. He manages to get to the sink of the bathroom and he coughs repeatedly, half-expecting the taste of salt and sand but nothing comes out. He tries to wash his face, yet even piped water makes him flinch, like a frightened kitten.

“Are you feeling alright?” his roommate, Changsub, says across the room where he’s currently playing a game, pause screen blinking back and forth with exaggerate orange lights. Minhyuk throws himself inelegantly to the other side of the couch, laying his head on the armrest. He mumbles something Changsub doesn’t actually catch on, however, his unstable condition must be pretty bad, since it became visible enough even for someone who hasn’t been paying attention to anything around him for the previous hours Minhyuk has been asleep (how many? He doesn’t know.)

“You’re distracting me.” Changsub coughs and the screen flashes bright red, which makes him suppress a curse at the back of his throat. Minhyuk is trying to make sense of the game until another red light flashes and the screen goes black with a “game over”. Changsub drops the controller with a groan “I’m buying dinner, so go take a shower or something,” he sighs eventually “You smell like gym.” Minhyuk puts some slight effort into striding his way back to the bathroom, leaving with an apologetic smile. “God, when did I, of all people, become the mom friend?” he hears his roommate complaining (insincerely, worry evident in his sleepy voice) before Minhyuk locks the door behind him.

It makes him feel slightly embarrassed he’s afraid of taking a shower, he feels like delaying taking a shower like a stubborn kid. He dreams of the ocean and it scares him. He dreams that he is drowning, nose filling up with hydrogen instead of oxygen. It feels so real, every night, but once he’s awake, things have been nothing but a dream.

Minhyuk is a seafarer that is too afraid of getting out of the shore.

 

 

Sometimes when he’s awake, he finds himself wishing he was back asleep, drowning.

Minhyuk spends his days waking up from his fictional ocean to swimming in his metaphorical ocean.

He works at a job he isn’t particularly interested about (it’s supposed to be temporary, yet nothing moves on.) However, the owner of the bookstore is too kind to him and he doesn’t have the heart to be mean on an environment that is actually nice, with a flexible schedule and worth enough to pay his bills. The quietness of the bookstore harms him more than it should though, the lack of noise and movement makes Minhyuk feel safer, it also causes him to ponder a lot, his pending anxiety growing with every passing second.

 

Minhyuk doesn’t really know when it began or when (if) it’ll stop – he just supposes things are like that. Hearing countless times that his anxiety is "unreasonable" doesn’t make things any easier. The expectation of freedom from an illness he can’t control or make sense of makes him more pressured than he already feels.

Sometimes he feels, needless of a trigger, his heartbeat speeding up too suddenly, the overwhelming sensation of breathlessness blazing within him, spreading like wildfire through his lungs and his throat. Tears threaten to leave his eyes at any second, but he endures whatever he’s feeling for as long as he can.

Boxes of medicines he’s already forgotten the name lie under his bed along with countless prescriptions that reminds him of the appointments he has yet to retake. But Minhyuk doesn’t. He never does.

As stubborn as he can be, Minhyuk doesn’t like asking for help (a part of him tells him that he’s just incapable of doing so while the other tells him that he’s just protecting his shattered pride). Even if a flow of tears is already descending his eyes, he keeps quiet, save for some few sobs that escape his lips without consent, absorbing every ounce of his feelings, until his lungs start a havoc again.

 

There was one occasion when Minhyuk went to consult a psychologist back in high school and this doctor said that feeling anxious is a lot like a tidal wave, a superabundance of water that comes in with no warning, taking everything in its way, and he has to be a seafarer, enduring the weight of the waves while exploring in open-sea.

Frankly speaking, it’s the worst metaphor he has ever heard, but it’s the only one that stuck to him.

He never paid much attention to the sea before since then, but thinking that the sea might take him away like a drunk sailor makes him grow a case of hydrophobia overnight.

The amount of pressure pushing his thoughts feels equivalent to the pressure pushing him over the sea in his dreams, a scene that plays repeatedly every night. 

 

Minhyuk is a seafarer who has too many scars from when he’s at the sea, so he would rather stay at the shore.

Sometimes the sea misses him.

 

He hears waves crashing down, he tastes salt hanging out of his lips and he feels his lungs combusting inside him – yet he’s not drowning.

Minhyuk is breathing, heavy between thoughts, yet he is drowning.

He thinks anxiety is a contradiction of thoughts, just like that.

 

 

 

II.

_Brine_

 

 

 

He meets Eunkwang at some point during a graduation event.

 

Changsub’s sister is graduating from high school and he needs "a friend who can put up with him over two hours of empty speeches and songs composed for boring ceremonies like these”. Minhyuk can’t exactly refuse, even if he’s a little wary of going out on such a crowded place. He thinks of the experience as a way to keep his thoughts away from the sea, brine applied over to conserve his well-being.

They sit at the back rows, since it’s extremely claustrophobic to stay within the premises any closer to an agglomeration of parents waving their hands frantically in a vain attempt to get their children’s attention, filming them with phone cameras and whatnot.

(And because Changsub didn’t come here to _not_ take a nap while he’s at it, the back row is quiet and the lights are dimmed just right. Minhyuk laughs quietly at his statement.)

Silence is requested from the audience and some figure of importance (a teacher?) is called up to the front to start his speech. His monotone voice is enough to have Changsub asleep within the first three minutes of his speech, which, fairly speaking, is actually acceptable, since some kids are already leaning on each other shoulders and Minhyuk himself feels slowly drifting into unconsciousness, but he steels on his chair regardless and forces himself to pay attention to what’s in front of him.

There are pauses between the speeches and to fill those, there is a pianist (who Minhyuk assumes is not much older than him) who plays some small pieces accompanied by the graduating students as a choir. It’s hard to see him exactly from where he’s sitting, but Minhyuk can hear well enough to point out the pianist seems to be extremely talented. He isn’t an expert when it comes to music, yet it’s not hard to figure the way the pianist is holding himself to not go overboard during the times he’s playing. He plays delicate, simple melodies and Minhyuk finds himself replaying them over and over in his head.

He elbows Changsub when he’s supposed to be awake and devotes his full attention to the pianist instead of the overjoyed graduating students. He squints to notice the way the other guy moves slightly at the edge of his seat and the way he fumbles with his hands from time to time. He _can’t_ stay still and while Minhyuk hasn’t moved an inch from his original position, he doesn’t think he ever related to someone as much as he does now.

 

By the time everything is over and lights are finally filling the room, Minhyuk is waiting for Changsub outside. Although people are already occupying the otherwise empty streets, parents ushering their children towards their cars, being outside with a cold breeze hitting his face makes Minhyuk feel safer rather than when he was inside the auditorium where the small ceremony was held.

“Minhyuk-hyung, for how long do you pretend to space out there?” Changsub waves a hand in front of his eyes, startling him slightly. They proceed to laugh and they’re ready to leave, until Changsub stops Minhyuk suddenly “Ah, I almost forgot” he turns around to see the pianist from earlier “This guy here is Eunkwang-hyung, he’s my friend from high school.” Minhyuk nods, extending his hand when Eunkwang does the same. Eunkwang is as short as Minhyuk, he has warm tiny hands and a smile that could outshine all of the stars blinking above them.

They all end up going to a cheap restaurant a few blocks away from their shared dorm, ordering equally cheap snacks to have over beer and soju. In the beginning, even though he actually feels like raising his voice some more, Minhyuk has the impression he’s going to be a side character for the evening. But Eunkwang doesn’t stop talking, amending questions and thoughts midway sentences, his hands doing exaggerate movements to compare with his exaggerate loud voice, including Minhyuk in every single topic he thinks of. It should be annoying, but to Minhyuk it isn’t. He understands and relates to Eunkwang for reasons he doesn’t really get. There’s some sort of hidden humor behind his words and his unfunny jokes, the sort of thing that takes a few smiles here and some short laughs there from Minhyuk when he’s not noticing. He could blame the alcohol if he wanted to, but Minhyuk feels lightheaded and he reaches the conclusion that’s a good feeling for a change.

(He genuinely thinks Eunkwang is interesting and he thinks there’s so much more of him than what he shows.)

 

(When he goes to sleep he’s still drowning, but his throat doesn’t burn.)

 

 

 

III.

_Abyssal_

 

 

 

Autumn is almost ending, brown leaves fading out with a chilly wind, when Changsub says almost too casually that it sounds like Minhyuk is the one who knew Eunkwang since high school.

Key word: almost.

 

Truth be told, Minhyuk and Eunkwang are almost like a set now. Even if one is not physically there, the other one will always make up for it mentioning the other when opportunity arises.

They also find an excuse every time so they can see each other. It begins with a little bit of apprehensiveness (were three smiling emojis too much for asking if he wanted to get lunch one of these days?) but soon enough they get around it. There are mornings when Minhyuk doesn’t have a lot to do, so he decides to go to the place where Eunkwang teaches piano lessons to little kids and teenagers. He stands by the corner of the room, watching the way Eunkwang carefully takes the hand of a little boy and helps him to progress with the song, a simple lullaby. The boy looks delighted and Minhyuk can’t help but feel happiness too. There are also times Eunkwang is visiting him too at the bookshop and he is willing to buy overpriced coffee from the nearby café he doesn’t enjoy just to take a little bit of Minhyuk’s attention.

(Minhyuk doesn’t tell him that he never needed any coffees to get his attention. It's a little selfish, but he supposes things could stay like that for now.)

Sometimes they sit by Eunkwang’s class music room and they share the little space the piano bench offers. Eunkwang likes to sing and Minhyuk likes to listen. There are times he attempt to sing as well, but he doesn’t think his voice is that good compared to the other boy, even if Eunkwang constantly encourages him to sing. He says all the time they would make a great team and Minhyuk laughs at that every single time, never insisting otherwise (he thinks the same.)

 

They read each other like open books and music sheets, even if they don’t admit it at first. It’s easy to pick at the way that Minhyuk’s too quiet and the way that Eunkwang’s talking too much. It’s easy to pick at the way that Minhyuk takes out inexistent wrinkles on his shirts whenever the place they’re having lunch begins to get too crowded, his breath hitching at the continuous flow of people entering the restaurant; and the way Eunkwang sends random emojis at ungodly hours of night in an attempt to incite conversation because his (condemnable) gaming habits aren’t distracting enough to keep him from overthinking. In distinct ways, they understand and support each other.

Even if sometimes it feels as if he talks too much, Minhyuk knows some things are left unspoken when it comes to Eunkwang. Minhyuk doesn’t remember of a time he isn’t drowning, lungs saturated with water and salt, but when it comes to Eunkwang he’s just still, as if time stopped just for his sake. Eunkwang’s drowning too, but he’s too busy singing lullabies to the sea to remember he’s in danger. He takes things slowly, leaving unnoticed, sinking into the sea like a wish in a bottle, while Minhyuk sinks quickly and heavily, as if there’s an anchor tied to his feet.

 

Every now and then Minhyuk has to remind Eunkwang that he is drowning too, so they hold tight onto each other, even if it costs seeing Eunkwang’s sunshine smile disappear for a few moments. He has a different way of bottling things up, Minhyuk noticed, and he reminds him that he doesn’t have to pretend to be the sun when he’s raining.

“Everything is going to be okay.” Minhyuk says, wrapping his arms around Eunkwang’s shoulders, which in turn is doing his best to stop crying. He feels uncomfortable, maybe embarrassed, and Minhyuk relates all too well to the feeling. He doesn’t let go until he feels better.

 

Eunkwang is a lot like the sea, his feelings are as deep as an abyssal and Minhyuk is submerging into him.

Minhyuk is seafaring across the wilderness of the sea that Eunkwang is.

 

Eunkwang teaches Minhyuk one day when they are hanging out that whenever he feels his anxiety own out of control, he likes to count stars and look for constellations in the sky. It keeps him concentrated, so he stays quiet for a while. These are the wisest words Minhyuk has ever heard from him and it makes him smile involuntarily.

In one particular night, Minhyuk is having a hard time finding the stars. His heartbeat suddenly speeds up, his breathing becomes heavy, the familiar drowning feeling crashing down into him as a tidal wave. Changsub won’t be home until later in the afternoon of the next day and Minhyuk doesn’t think he can spend the night like that.

His phone is almost slipping out of his hands with the way his hands are shaking, desperately trying to find someone – anyone – he can talk to right now. His first thought naturally wanders to Eunkwang and he is quite surprised (relieved) when he picks up the phone after the second time it rang (Minhyuk was planning to end the call if it reached a third unanswered beep.)

“Minhyuk-ah?” Eunkwang says, his voice static over the line, and it feels like someone removed a huge weight of Minhyuk’s shoulders “Are you–?”

He does his best to control his shaky voice, to control the way that unfiltered words are threatening to leave his lips at any second “Do you want to count stars?”

And half an hour later Minhyuk finds himself resting his head on Eunkwang’s shoulder as he tells Minhyuk about his very limited knowledge about stars while they’re having egg soup (because that’s the only thing Eunkwang knows how to cook anyways).

Usually Minhyuk isn't the one for talking, preferring to leave things at a comfortable silence, yet for some reason he allows himself to open up. There's this thing about Eunkwang that makes him feel home and safe. They talk about stars, they talk about egg soup, they talk about their friends, they talk about rapping, they talk about pianos, they talk about soccer, they talk about late night gaming and they talk about themselves.

It makes time fly faster and it's enjoyable too.

 

(Minhyuk doesn’t realize when, but at some point their hands touch and eventually their foreheads touch as well. Minhyuk can hear how fast Eunkwang’s heart is beating and he swears that’s the only melody he feels like hearing.

He kisses Eunkwang for the first time below the first light of morning. It’s still cold, but to Minhyuk it feels like they’re under the scorching rays of summer sunlight. He feels warm on the inside – his lungs are on fire and his throat is burning, but as of now, this is a positive feeling.

Minhyuk doesn’t realize the way he’s just so happy – and so in love.)

 

 

 

IV.

_Seaside_

 

 

Minhyuk is still too far to understand everything about the sea, but he lives up to the task diligently. His comparisons done in maritime terms are reminders of how much he doesn’t know yet.

As a seafarer, he figures being with Eunkwang is a different sort of comfort rather than the feeling he has when he’s at the shore. It’s impossible to be safely at the seaside when Eunkwang is the sea, that much is a fact, but the ironic thing is that Minhyuk isn’t afraid of him, it’s the opposite actually. It when he feels as if he’s living up to the seafarer title the most, unveiling habits and secrets buried down under the ocean, maps looking for every little peninsula of Eunkwang’s heart. These are the times he forgets he’s afraid of drowning, feeling as if he’s swimming instead.

Being with him is a lull kind of feeling, Minhyuk thinks.

 

During one of those days Minhyuk is analyzing every little thing, he finds out that Eunkwang is deeply afraid of heights. It’s almost unsettling the way that Minhyuk feels some sort of twisted comfort knowing someone is as afraid of freefalls as he is afraid of drowning. It gets him thinking in the middle of the night if Eunkwang is dreaming of pianos and unsung melodies or if he’s dreaming of the mountains and rainstorms.

He asks him on the next day while they’re having lunch what are his dreams about and Eunkwang answers that he doesn’t dream often, and when he does, he doesn’t remember by the next morning. Minhyuk is slightly impressed, it feels unfair that someone doesn’t dream at the rate he does. When he gets asked the same question though, Minhyuk tries to change the subject and Eunkwang nods, understanding as he always is, even if he doesn’t know. Rather, he pretends he doesn’t.

 

(His dreams keeps haunting him again and again, he’s honestly just _so tired_. Later that night Minhyuk is crying and Eunkwang is holding him as he kisses away his tears while whispering little words of reassurance until he calms down.

This is also the first time when Minhyuk verbally tells he loves him, wholeheartedly, and it’s crystal clear that Eunkwang feels the same, because he can’t stop smiling and Minhyuk doesn’t wish he ever stops.

They don’t need a lot of words when it comes to each other, their gestures and looks overlap the silence, but to hear them is a nice change of pace.)

 

 

Over mid-June, Minhyuk is moving his stuff from Changsub’s room to now his and Eunkwang’s shared apartment a block away. For what he knows, Changsub already found a reliable roommate so he won’t be alone for too long (which is good, Changsub is definitely not fitting for the “mom friend” title.)

 

(For some reason Minhyuk can’t find all of the prescriptions and unopened medicine boxes under his bed once he’s cleaning everything out. He thinks he might have to thank Changsub later. He pretends he doesn’t care, but the truth is that he cares a lot. Maybe he can reclaim the “mom friend” title back.)

 

It’s not too much of a big place really, it has a room, a kitchen and a bathroom, but that alone is enough for the two of them. There is a big window that allows a relatively good view of the night sky. They can count the stars and that seems to be enough.

There are still a few boxes filled with their belongings waiting to find their place in the shelves and drawers once the night falls, but they can take care of that later. It’s summer after all and they’re tired, lying over the mattress they still have to put over their bed. Eunkwang finds his place to rest over Minhyuk’s collarbones and Minhyuk finds his place letting his arms rest over Eunkwang’s hips.

He feels calm listening to Eunkwang’s soft snores, as if he’s singing a lullaby that puts Minhyuk to sleep soon after.

 

(That night he dreams of birds, sunflowers and grass. He can see the ocean far away and his heart doesn’t feel heavy.

Instead, he misses the sound of crashing waves.)

 

“Do you think…”Minhyuk feels his voice trailing off without his consent, during a rainy summer night when they’re doing nothing but watch the ceiling fan spinning endlessly while lying on the cold floor of their tiny, stuffed apartment.

“What is it?” Eunkwang hums, motioning him to keep going, and there’s something reassuring about his voice.

“Do you think we could go to the beach one of these days?” he projects his voice to sound as confident as possible, even if his fingers are betraying him as they’re tugging to the hem of his shorts. He guesses old habits don’t die.

Eunkwang sits up and gives him a lovely smile, eyes gleaming and that’s all of an answer Minhyuk needs.

“Of course.”

 

 

 

(By the weekend they take the first train to the coast and the sun is already shining bright over the sky when they reach over a rather calm side of the beach.

Eunkwang takes his hand, intertwining their fingers. Minhyuk takes a deep breath and nods.

They’re running over to the sea, laughing out loud and splashing water on each other. The water is still too cold, there is sand on their feet and on their hair. Their backs are burning under the sunrays and even if they’re hugging each other, the sunburns don’t hurt. Their kisses, short and between laughs, taste like salt, sand and everything that is good.

He hears waves crashing down, he tastes salt hanging out of his lips and he feels his lungs free for what felt like an eternity.

Minhyuk isn’t drowning anymore.)


End file.
